Just another day

Some days are just days… a meaningless ensemble of seconds.

24 hours, that I’m so damn aware of.

I do not wake up with a glimmer of hope in my eyes rather it’s exhaustion and stress. As soon as I wake up, I want to go back to bed. The mere thought of getting through the day drains me. I pull aside the curtains and the light hurts. The buzz of life around makes me mad.

I count each minute and each second with a hope that time will quicken its pace. I focus on my pulse, twitching in my arm and trace the boundary of my fingernail. I’m aware of how frequently I blink and also that there are 18 lights zigzagging down the hallway.  I adjust my hair every two seconds and feel the cold shiver of my hand each time. I feel like I am being watched, I feel like they know!

I drift back from the frame and everything starts speeding. Deafening echoes of laughter and indistinct chatter…form the backdrop. I hear my name echo. I know someone’s calling. I try to gather the shattered pieces of my focus and reach for the glass of water on the desk.

I tell myself – “It’s all fine, you’re doing fine.”

Just one day.

Just another day.

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We are all desperate for something

At the restaurant this afternoon, a  little girl was sitting on the adjacent table. Carefully observing me as I play with my food, I caught her staring and smiled at her instantly and she returned the sweetest smile, hesitation free. She was adorable. Her mom watched her smile at me and her lips curved into a smile. Then I got back to eating and they got back to ordering their food and discussing school.

It is simple, life is simple. I thought about the little wordless encounter and it made me smile to myself. It was regular. Two people exchanging a genuine smile for no reason.

Why did I smile at her? Why did she smile back? What made her mother smile? It was nothing, we exchanged energy I would say. Positive energy.

People are strange. Capable of drastic things…we can start wars and hurt people badly. We can do horrible things..destroy nature, plant bombs…kill people and not give a damn about any of it. We are capable of destruction and all sorts of bad things and then we are capable of all things good. The funny thing is, destruction takes so much more effort yet we are ready to give all that in. Goodness comes from all things simple; things that require minimal effort. Yet we are willing to spread destruction, I say this because of the current state of the world. Switch on the news and there’s hurt and destruction all around. Sometimes, I don’t feel like hearing to any of it. It’s heartbreaking but I know turning a blind eye won’t alter reality.

Something as little as smiling at someone is perceived as an act of warmth and kindness. We have always heard of it- ‘smiling at strangers’. We’re communicating without words. We communicate kindness and love; radiate positive energy. See the thing is, I feel vibes are real; you do get different vibes from different people. There are people you would smile at without a hint of hesitation and then there are people otherwise. It is not about how they appear or how they dress, it is something more, something deeper than just appearances. If you can feel it, it’s all in the energy. I do not completely understand how the concept of energy and vibes works but I feel it is real. I’ve felt it and I’ll say that it is rarely wrong.

This is just ranter. I am not trying to make a point, we do what we do. The thing is it is in the most subtle and everyday kind of things that people touch us with kindness, it requires no effort.

This brings me to another thought; we have always heard that the things that are in our nature rarely require effort. They come to us naturally. I’ll hold on to this thought cause it is such a nice one.

Goodness is innate to human nature.

We were all truly kind and loving creatures, our circumstances make us bitter. They make us do things we would not approve of in our right minds. Sometimes we are strong, we do not let pain and misery grow on our kind hearts while other times, we become bitter. Our threshold varies depending on the impact of pain and we can’t judge one another for being who we are and the things we do unless we’ve seen it all for real. Hurt and pain transform us, it either brings one closer to oneself or it tears one apart. We do not react to pain in a similar way. We are countless beings on this earth and no two people are completely alike.

My thoughts are mixed this very moment; unable to focus on one point. Cause there is so much to wonder about. Some might feel I am desperate to find goodness and love and kindness. All things good and warm but the world is not like that. To that, I would say, better be desperate to find good than to find misery and pain. Isn’t it? I guess one day or the other, you find what you’ve been looking for.

So, yes! I am desperate. Desperate to find goodness in this world of misery.

I’ll keep ranting about what moves me. Today a smile moved me tomorrow it might be something/someone else. I am ready to deal with what I feel. Like you, I have my demons; the ugly side. Where I want to hurt people like they have hurt me and I have hurt people who treated me with kindness. I feel sorry for the times I’ve re-payed love with a cold heart and indifference. I am sorry for it but I’ve learned that I should not judge myself for being that person sometimes. Neither should you. We are people; human. We can’t always be right or in sync with the definition of good that others believe in.

Life will keep moving, things will keep happening and we will keep looking for love and kindness. It transforms us just like pain does. It makes us want to return that goodness to the world.

So yes, be desperate for the better. Who knows if you are desperate enough you might bump into what you are looking for. Like Paulo said in The Alchemist

“When you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it.”

Go ahead, ask for love and kindness, for yourself and for others.

 

NANOPOBLANO17

Sharing is caring! Check out some of these cool blogs, they are participating in Nano PoBlano17:
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Musings #1

What if life was not meant to be a competition?

It pains thinking that there were people who thought life is meant to be good, better…best! 

When it could simply have been happy for everyone.
Look what they’ve made of us and this world! 

Dear Someone (#2)

Dear Someone,

Hope you are doing fine.

I have been away from my usual routine for a while now. Life has been different. Not the good kind of different though.

I saw this little pup the other day…roadside near a vehicle repair shop. It was a everything-is-screaming type of day. Wind howling, trees swaying to an extent like they would all break and die. The sky dark and darker every minute. Clouds closing in as if they’ve eaten up the light. A dark grey sheet above the world. On a general note, I am in love with storms, they render a sense of peace. However, this one was different, everything was negative about it. Back to the pup, it was a tiny one. Probably just a few months old. I looked at him…my hair all wild and full of dust. It was trying to sneek behind a big tyre resting against the wall. It shreiked and sneeked behind it, probably pretty scared of me. Away from the wind and the world. It slowly adjusted and found solace behind the tyre. Unable to see the world. The storm. The gaint scary human. Trying to sleep and let the storm pass. 

Later, I couldn’t sleep that night. I would close my eyes and see that little pup tucked behind the tyre, eyes shut tight.

I want to do the same. 

Find my safe and just close my eyes.

We all want that sometimes, when the storms are so scary. 

Have you found your safe place? I hope you have.

Sending you love.

The Other Someone.

A Whirlpool

Licking the edge of the spoon she wiped clean the cream then got up and moved close to the mirror, staring at her reflection. She opened her mouth and began examining her tongue for all the colors from the rainbow cake she just hogged over. There was blue and red and a hint of pink somewhere…her lips formed a sweet curve and in an instant the shine in her eyes turned liquid.

It has been a considerable amount of time…and it does not appear to be helping. She has this feeling of emptiness, loss, confusion. Sort of unrest…her soul stirring like a whirlpool. CHAOS. 

Tiring chaos.

Not the kind that you like, neither the one that can be used to lift oneself up. 

A whirlpool sucks things inside… it just knows how to consume and who knows what’s lost when you are trapped in it. 

She called her mom and cried silently – just a little.

Trapped and consumed are the words to begin with. Craziness and pain a little ahead. 

simple life, no tragedies glorified.

Whirlpools, tsunamis, thunder storms.

None of it stands justified.

Anyone?

– Do we really need to justify pain?

*Incomplete Stories*

Song

Exhausted and worn  out,

all I can think of is sleep.

I rest my head against the frail glass window,

an occasional thud; when the bus screeches and brakes.

I stare at the lights outside and wonder how fast the world moves.

The chatter on the radio comes to a stop and a sweet melody strikes the air.

I lean on the window and start humming along…

Another light lingering tune effortlessly mixes in the air…mingling with my carcass humming and suddenly my tune doesn’t sound so offbeat.

His voice silvery coarse – my voice faintly melodic.

I don’t turn.

The lights outside don’t appear sad anymore.

You Think You Are Right?

There is a thing with human beings, we think whatever we think and know is true.

As a kid when I first read about atoms- protons, neutrons, electrons!…I was  awestruck that something so small and significant existed. I gaped at the thought that I see and touch it everyday yet I never feel its presence. It was like opening my eyes to something that was right in front of me all the time. I remember thinking about my school desk looking at it like an object of amazement and wondering how electrons are revolving around billions of nuclei. And it was so damn hard to believe, I almost told myself that it was a lie. A few days days passed and another thought occurred to me; before I knew of atoms, I thought there was nothing like it. I was unaware of its existence and it was okay..that is how I knew things were. Wood is just wood. I thought I was right.

We think we are right. Don’t we?

Then, it occurred to me what if there could be more to atoms and we think it’s just atoms because we don’t know more about it yet. And the thought was so eye opening that I have clung to it ever since.

Whenever I feel I know something, I look twice to check if I can see more to it. Even if I can’t, I like to keep this thought at the back of my mind that there might be something that I still can’t see..that I still don’t know.

Be it facts or emotions. There is always (okay..almost always) more to it than we know. We believe what we see and hear (I’m more of a see-person) and it is such a surprise that it rarely limits to those boundaries.

Boundaries, in any sense I have seen are meant to be surpassed. There is something beyond boundaries, I have no clue what that something amounts to; it might be a fraction or it might be millions and billions of things. Once it is surpassed..the ground where you land is the new boundary and then it goes on boundary after boundary after boundary.

We keep building and breaking boundaries.

Life appears to be a cycle of it. Like a limbo.

I don’t intend to write a scientific blog. I’m not much of a science girl. I think of all this is in such generic terms. I have had this habit of relating everything to my life and if and when I am unable to relate, I start to loose interest.

When it comes to people in my life, they never cease to amaze me..you think this is where the limit is. This is where she stops but then she takes two steps extra- SURPRISE! and this happens all the time. See, boundaries surpassed?!

This is a funny habit, relating unrelated things and even more funny is the fact that you usually end up establishing a relation. Things aren’t so hard to connect once you start at it. It just connects. Maybe it is all connected for real?

I don’t know if the above chatter makes any sense to you, does it?

Actually the matter is, the server is down..I am jobless and I’ve had around five cups of coffee already! Hope that adds some sense to my mindless musings.

Much love, I hope your coffee is as strong as mine(and not so strong, if you prefer it light ;)).

Wisdom & Stuff

Alex says-

“We live in time- it holds and moulds us- but I’ve never felt I understood it very well. And I am not referring to the theories about how it bends and doubles back or may exist elsewhere in parallel versions. No, I mean ordinary, everyday time which clocks and watches assure us passes regularly; tick tock click clock. Is there anything more plausible than a second hand? And yet it takes only the smallest pleasure or pain to teach us times malleability. Some emotions speed it up; others slow it down; occasionally it seems to go missing- until the eventual point where it actually does go missing, never to return.”

Julian Barnes seems to have known or created the smart Alex. He is from the book ‘The Sense of an Ending’ . I have never in my life read such an accurate description of how time really feels. Recently, I have read two books and coincidentally, both of them have taught me so much about time. Or maybe just made me realize what it really is and how powerful a little second can be. It was a wonderful experience reading these beautiful books but I would be lying if I don’t tell you that I am scared of time now; the power it holds and the delusional beings that we are!

A second and things might turn around completely. A second and it could be the difference between life and death. A second and you could have a completely different life. It’s just strange and amazing that there is no control. No matter how much you want it, you will never have it. That’s how life is shaped.

I can’t stop telling myself “Girl, you are small, you are insignificant”

I am not underestimating myself, here I mean this in an entirely different context.We feel we are all powerful, controlling the course of our lives..mastering time and achieving the ultimate.It’s all about us…the happy, sad, horrid- all of it.

What I decide! – What I desire! – How I wish to go ahead with my life! – The people I decide to love and to hate!

To make and break!

ME! ME!! ME!!!

Now when I think back I see Time laughing at me all through it. Every minute of my life when I thought I had the control. I suddenly feel betrayed and utterly stupid but I am not pissed off, not one bit. It just feels funny, you know…like I was pushing this wall with full rigor and then there is this moment; I realize how stupid I am. It’s so damn stupid that it feels funny. I thought I had the controls not even once realizing that there was no control! Just frantic running all around and a perfect illusion of control. Suddenly I feel as if wisdom has hit me like a truck! And I can’t help but wonder if this is an illusion in itself.

If there is one thing that I can conclude from my frantic musings is that I’ll never know enough. I am going to have these illusions all the time and I can at least laugh at myself that moment and tell myself “Just an illusion dear!”

Maybe wisdom is knowing that you don’t know enough.

A friend used to tell me – “You never know”  he used to say this all the time and I thought of it as something to live by. I guess I will add to it today and form a version of it for myself –

“You never know enough” I’ll say.

And then there is another such thought, again from a friend (yes my friends are smart and wise it seems :P) –

“A perfect illusion” she says.

As I sit here in this empty cafe writing about time as it softly, silently ticks by I can only smile and tell myself- Life indeed can be a beautifully sad string of perfect illusions.

The Phone Call

Buzzzzzz…my phone goes, it’s you!

The frown on my face transforms to a smile and my eyes burning from the glow of the computer screen instantly light up.

Within seconds, we start ranting about our lives.

Mostly, what has gone wrong and Oh! how things are a mess.

We laugh about it all.

We tell each other, how life would have been easier without some people,

and as I hear your voice,

I softly whisper to myself;

“and so much easier because of some people”

A small town…called HOME

There is a sweet attachment that one has with the place they hail from. Be it a great big city or a small town. Geographically, be it of immense importance or simply lost on the map. You belong to the place and now, it dwells within you somehow.

The sweet nostalgia when you saunter through the streets of the town. I live away but I still call it my home. I might have spent a substantial amount of time in this other lovely city but it will never be home to me.

When asked, “Where are you leaving for?”

I always answer, “Home”

‘Coming home’ is a feeling and this place gives me just that.

Strolling through the market, the shop-owner gives me a bright smile and slips an extra chocolate in my grocery bag. He recognizes the small girl he once knew and I guess she is still the same for him.

In the pitch dark sky, I see thousands and thousands of stars twinkling as I lay on my terrace for hours. The sound of  crickets and  occasional cries of the peacock from the jungle, mingle with the silence that warmly wraps my home atop the hill.

As I put up some little twinkling lights in my garden and look at my parents sitting, sipping tea…the corners of their eyes wrinkling with laughter…I certainly know that this is HOME.

 

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