Dear Someone (#2)

Dear Someone,

Hope you are doing fine.

I have been away from my usual routine for a while now. Life has been different. Not the good kind of different though.

I saw this little pup the other day…roadside near a vehicle repair shop. It was a everything-is-screaming type of day. Wind howling, trees swaying to an extent like they would all break and die. The sky dark and darker every minute. Clouds closing in as if they’ve eaten up the light. A dark grey sheet above the world. On a general note, I am in love with storms, they render a sense of peace. However, this one was different, everything was negative about it. Back to the pup, it was a tiny one. Probably just a few months old. I looked at him…my hair all wild and full of dust. It was trying to sneek behind a big tyre resting against the wall. It shreiked and sneeked behind it, probably pretty scared of me. Away from the wind and the world. It slowly adjusted and found solace behind the tyre. Unable to see the world. The storm. The gaint scary human. Trying to sleep and let the storm pass. 

Later, I couldn’t sleep that night. I would close my eyes and see that little pup tucked behind the tyre, eyes shut tight.

I want to do the same. 

Find my safe and just close my eyes.

We all want that sometimes, when the storms are so scary. 

Have you found your safe place? I hope you have.

Sending you love.

The Other Someone.

A Whirlpool

Licking the edge of the spoon she wiped clean the cream then got up and moved close to the mirror, staring at her reflection. She opened her mouth and began examining her tongue for all the colors from the rainbow cake she just hogged over. There was blue and red and a hint of pink somewhere…her lips formed a sweet curve and in an instant the shine in her eyes turned liquid.

It has been a considerable amount of time…and it does not appear to be helping. She has this feeling of emptiness, loss, confusion. Sort of unrest…her soul stirring like a whirlpool. CHAOS. 

Tiring chaos.

Not the kind that you like, neither the one that can be used to lift oneself up. 

A whirlpool sucks things inside… it just knows how to consume and who knows what’s lost when you are trapped in it. 

She called her mom and cried silently – just a little.

Trapped and consumed are the words to begin with. Craziness and pain a little ahead. 

simple life, no tragedies glorified.

Whirlpools, tsunamis, thunder storms.

None of it stands justified.

Anyone?

– Do we really need to justify pain?

*Incomplete Stories*

Song

Exhausted and worn  out,

all I can think of is sleep.

I rest my head against the frail glass window,

an occasional thud; when the bus screeches and brakes.

I stare at the lights outside and wonder how fast the world moves.

The chatter on the radio comes to a stop and a sweet melody strikes the air.

I lean on the window and start humming along…

Another light lingering tune effortlessly mixes in the air…mingling with my carcass humming and suddenly my tune doesn’t sound so offbeat.

His voice silvery coarse – my voice faintly melodic.

I don’t turn.

The lights outside don’t appear sad anymore.

You Think You Are Right?

There is a thing with human beings, we think whatever we think and know is true.

As a kid when I first read about atoms- protons, neutrons, electrons!…I was  awestruck that something so small and significant existed. I gaped at the thought that I see and touch it everyday yet I never feel its presence. It was like opening my eyes to something that was right in front of me all the time. I remember thinking about my school desk looking at it like an object of amazement and wondering how electrons are revolving around billions of nuclei. And it was so damn hard to believe, I almost told myself that it was a lie. A few days days passed and another thought occurred to me; before I knew of atoms, I thought there was nothing like it. I was unaware of its existence and it was okay..that is how I knew things were. Wood is just wood. I thought I was right.

We think we are right. Don’t we?

Then, it occurred to me what if there could be more to atoms and we think it’s just atoms because we don’t know more about it yet. And the thought was so eye opening that I have clung to it ever since.

Whenever I feel I know something, I look twice to check if I can see more to it. Even if I can’t, I like to keep this thought at the back of my mind that there might be something that I still can’t see..that I still don’t know.

Be it facts or emotions. There is always (okay..almost always) more to it than we know. We believe what we see and hear (I’m more of a see-person) and it is such a surprise that it rarely limits to those boundaries.

Boundaries, in any sense I have seen are meant to be surpassed. There is something beyond boundaries, I have no clue what that something amounts to; it might be a fraction or it might be millions and billions of things. Once it is surpassed..the ground where you land is the new boundary and then it goes on boundary after boundary after boundary.

We keep building and breaking boundaries.

Life appears to be a cycle of it. Like a limbo.

I don’t intend to write a scientific blog. I’m not much of a science girl. I think of all this is in such generic terms. I have had this habit of relating everything to my life and if and when I am unable to relate, I start to loose interest.

When it comes to people in my life, they never cease to amaze me..you think this is where the limit is. This is where she stops but then she takes two steps extra- SURPRISE! and this happens all the time. See, boundaries surpassed?!

This is a funny habit, relating unrelated things and even more funny is the fact that you usually end up establishing a relation. Things aren’t so hard to connect once you start at it. It just connects. Maybe it is all connected for real?

I don’t know if the above chatter makes any sense to you, does it?

Actually the matter is, the server is down..I am jobless and I’ve had around five cups of coffee already! Hope that adds some sense to my mindless musings.

Much love, I hope your coffee is as strong as mine(and not so strong, if you prefer it light ;)).

Wisdom & Stuff

Alex says-

“We live in time- it holds and moulds us- but I’ve never felt I understood it very well. And I am not referring to the theories about how it bends and doubles back or may exist elsewhere in parallel versions. No, I mean ordinary, everyday time which clocks and watches assure us passes regularly; tick tock click clock. Is there anything more plausible than a second hand? And yet it takes only the smallest pleasure or pain to teach us times malleability. Some emotions speed it up; others slow it down; occasionally it seems to go missing- until the eventual point where it actually does go missing, never to return.”

Julian Barnes seems to have known or created the smart Alex. He is from the book ‘The Sense of an Ending’ . I have never in my life read such an accurate description of how time really feels. Recently, I have read two books and coincidentally, both of them have taught me so much about time. Or maybe just made me realize what it really is and how powerful a little second can be. It was a wonderful experience reading these beautiful books but I would be lying if I don’t tell you that I am scared of time now; the power it holds and the delusional beings that we are!

A second and things might turn around completely. A second and it could be the difference between life and death. A second and you could have a completely different life. It’s just strange and amazing that there is no control. No matter how much you want it, you will never have it. That’s how life is shaped.

I can’t stop telling myself “Girl, you are small, you are insignificant”

I am not underestimating myself, here I mean this in an entirely different context.We feel we are all powerful, controlling the course of our lives..mastering time and achieving the ultimate.It’s all about us…the happy, sad, horrid- all of it.

What I decide! – What I desire! – How I wish to go ahead with my life! – The people I decide to love and to hate!

To make and break!

ME! ME!! ME!!!

Now when I think back I see Time laughing at me all through it. Every minute of my life when I thought I had the control. I suddenly feel betrayed and utterly stupid but I am not pissed off, not one bit. It just feels funny, you know…like I was pushing this wall with full rigor and then there is this moment; I realize how stupid I am. It’s so damn stupid that it feels funny. I thought I had the controls not even once realizing that there was no control! Just frantic running all around and a perfect illusion of control. Suddenly I feel as if wisdom has hit me like a truck! And I can’t help but wonder if this is an illusion in itself.

If there is one thing that I can conclude from my frantic musings is that I’ll never know enough. I am going to have these illusions all the time and I can at least laugh at myself that moment and tell myself “Just an illusion dear!”

Maybe wisdom is knowing that you don’t know enough.

A friend used to tell me – “You never know”  he used to say this all the time and I thought of it as something to live by. I guess I will add to it today and form a version of it for myself –

“You never know enough” I’ll say.

And then there is another such thought, again from a friend (yes my friends are smart and wise it seems :P) –

“A perfect illusion” she says.

As I sit here in this empty cafe writing about time as it softly, silently ticks by I can only smile and tell myself- Life indeed can be a beautifully sad string of perfect illusions.

The Phone Call

Buzzzzzz…my phone goes, it’s you!

The frown on my face transforms to a smile and my eyes burning from the glow of the computer screen instantly light up.

Within seconds, we start ranting about our lives.

Mostly, what has gone wrong and Oh! how things are a mess.

We laugh about it all.

We tell each other, how life would have been easier without some people,

and as I hear your voice,

I softly whisper to myself;

“and so much easier because of some people”

A small town…called HOME

There is a sweet attachment that one has with the place they hail from. Be it a great big city or a small town. Geographically, be it of immense importance or simply lost on the map. You belong to the place and now, it dwells within you somehow.

The sweet nostalgia when you saunter through the streets of the town. I live away but I still call it my home. I might have spent a substantial amount of time in this other lovely city but it will never be home to me.

When asked, “Where are you leaving for?”

I always answer, “Home”

‘Coming home’ is a feeling and this place gives me just that.

Strolling through the market, the shop-owner gives me a bright smile and slips an extra chocolate in my grocery bag. He recognizes the small girl he once knew and I guess she is still the same for him.

In the pitch dark sky, I see thousands and thousands of stars twinkling as I lay on my terrace for hours. The sound of  crickets and  occasional cries of the peacock from the jungle, mingle with the silence that warmly wraps my home atop the hill.

As I put up some little twinkling lights in my garden and look at my parents sitting, sipping tea…the corners of their eyes wrinkling with laughter…I certainly know that this is HOME.

 

Weekly Discover Challenge

Hope!

 

She was standing amidst this storm, heavy dark clouds closing in every minute. The howling wind when brushed past her freckled skin sent chills deep down her spine. She looked around at all the dull and tired faces; almost like zombies. It felt as if this was some disparate world.

A dead world.

Everything neutral.

And she had become a part of it.

Neither tears nor smiles. She almost felt dead…tired of searching for life and not finding it ever.

She almost gave in to it… just then, she was blinded by a stark shimmer.

A shine, she very well recognized!

Her eyes sparkled just like it that moment…

HOPE!

It was hope! Yet again… 

Right there.

She was in love with hope, it sparkled in the dull.

The shine of it caught her eye, every single time.

When the world around her almost strangled her to death, hope found her.

It hit her then…she always found it…a new life in hope.

The glimmer of it had found home in her soul. The storms stayed, but hope pierced through all of it like a subtle beam of light bringing her back to life.

Yes, she was a hopeful kind of person even in a dead..DEAD world.

It kept her alive.

 

The Daily Post: Shine

Bits…of the whole

Bits; pieces; chunks; torn from the whole.

 

A piece of cake,

A page from a book,

A tissue paper torn in half…scribbles all over it.

 

A spoon of porridge from your bowl,

The faint humming of the songs you sing,

The things you mumble under you breath,

The hint of shy smile at the corner of your lips.

 

 

A piece of the entire – so much more than full.

 

Image credits: Priyesh Jain or Kavya Pandey (Sorry, I don’t remember distinctly) 🙂

Pink and Yellow

The society that we live in demands ambition. It measures success and happiness on how ambitious you are and how you work to achieve those goals you’ve set for yourself (For your sake, I hope you have done it solely for yourself).

When it comes to me, I am not very ambitious. No, I don’t wish to be famous or rich beyond imagination. Nor do I want to conquer the world with my ideas. I just want to be! Traversing through life at my own pace…I am slow, I like to stand aside and enjoy the view. I am okay with achieving my dreams late in my life. I don’t want to rush with them in my twenties itself.

I’ve always felt that people with “REAL” goals have difficult lives. They have to toil day and night to put things on track, to keep up with the brutal competition. I have never been one of those people. However, I’ve come to realize, the simple goals like being away from the burden of ‘the social definitions of success’ are equally difficult to achieve. You just can’t slip away from its grip, no matter how good you are at sneaking.

I have nothing against the people who are ambitious or those who tune in with the widely accepted definitions of success. I respect you all, for you have guts and real strength. The society we live in is tremendously flawed and equally brutal. It has all these stringent rules drafted and methods crafted!

One slip and you experience a downpour of criticism. It can be really damaging to the spirit, when all you’ve ever tried is to keep up. There are people who fall and then there are people who keep going. I feel, we all break. Some of us break completely, some have little broken pieces here and there but we keep going. It’s just that we are all built with different thresholds. I don’t understand why people find it so difficult to respect this little fact.

At some point we all come under the same umbrella of “YOU ARE NOT GOOD ENOUGH!”. Some for never being good enough while some for not trying enough. The world is rarely happy with any of us. You might get that appreciation temporarily until you slip; One slip is all it takes!

It just makes me sad.

Why are we made this way?

I ask myself a lot of times.

Why can’t we be more kind and considerate?

Why do we have to judge people?

Why do we even need to define measures of success?

What makes us think that other humans should conform to our standards?

The answers are lost…

If it is Pink for one, it can be Yellow for the other.

They are tracks apart, but both of them are equally beautiful. Just because you prefer Pink does not mean yellow is ugly.

Don’t forget, Yellow can be sunshine!

 

The Daily Post