Certainty

Certainty.

Why do you crave for it so much? So bad?

Another day isn’t promised. You know that.

Don’t you?

You want to be certain about the next twenty years of your life.

Don’t you see it?

Life never sticks to the plan.

It has a tendency to wander; to stray.

Why are you up at 3 am? Again. Tell me.

Speculating your choices, over and over?

Cursing yourself, are you?

Those seeds of doubt you’ve been planting for years,

aren’t you afraid that you’d be lost in the dark wilderness that they’ll grow into?

You need the warmth of the sun.

Let the rays shine through.

Build, for sure. But live more.

Doubt when needed. But believe more.

Uncertainty is inevitable.

Why the fuss? the stars would say.

They’ll laugh out loud on your ways.

Give this universe a chance. Will you?

Maybe, it’s directionless too.

 

 

 

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Pushpa

“In the year 1925 in Lahore, India, the joyous Berry family was blessed with a baby girl. They named her Pushpa (meaning flower). The kind of love Professor Aloknath Berry showered on her little princess was out of bounds. He wanted her to read and to blossom into an independent woman. As a little girl, Pushpa would read books to her father and before she could finish one she’d ask for more; “Would you get me a new one tomorrow, baba?” the answer was always a yes.

Being born in a liberal and affluent family she was raised right. Pushpa valued what she was blessed with. Growing up, when her friends were burdened with household work, she went on to pursue a degree in English literature from the Lahore university.

Times were tough, with the rise of the Indian Freedom Movement things were restless and the growing political tension among the leaders tore India apart. Political rivalry budded and before people could realize they had to pick sides. The heavily charged communal atmosphere and the deep distrust between the religious communities took Aloknath Berry away in the bloody violence of 1947. Fear and hate filled the hearts of millions and Berry family was one among them.

Pushpa, a shattered and torn young girl, crossed the border to the refugee camps in Delhi with her mother Janki. Fear and loss concreted in her tender heart. Days felt like years in the unwelcoming and harsh city. She would often wake up in the middle of the night to the screams of her mother. She’d close her eyes and pictures of mobs burning her home down, baba screaming with pain, his coat on fire, asking her to run for her life would come alive. She would reach for the golden watch under her pillow and hold it close to her heart.

“Keep this with you and keep going, just like it does. You know what to do when it stops” baba had said.

“Wind it with love and courage and keep going, tick-tock” she’d whisper to herself each night.

It was the only piece of baba that she was left with. She’d wind the watch and hear it ticking away.

Like that, days ticked away. They moved to Ludhiana where Janki found a job in a local library. Pushpa went ahead and completed her education. Her mother could not stay away from baba for long, her illness took her away quickly. Pushpa met a man at the university, married him. Moved to a small town in Madhya Pradesh and started a beautiful family with him.”

As I put the last full stop above, I look across the room. I see her sitting by the window, sipping tea, reading The Sound of the Wind; that’s Pushpa, my grandmother. Just yesterday she gave me the golden watch, I have it on my arm this moment. She says I am just like her. Young and vibrant.

Tick-tock, I’ll go by the watch grandma. Just like you.

 

*I wrote this story for a project. The characters and events are fictional but inspired by true events*

Time is all you have…

“There is so much I’ve got to do, there is never enough time”  he said.

“All that we ever have is time”  I said, not really listening.

It’s true all we have is time yet we never have enough of it.

What is life? A string of moments until it’s not.

What is in a moment? What really is time? Just something we have created to measure our span on this planet?

Isn’t it true? Time is all you ever have.

Seconds and minutes ticking away in a small circle. This very moment clubs with so many others and before you even know it’s your entire life. The concept of time has always amazed and scared me at the same time. It feels so strange when you think about it really hard. You are illusioned if you think control exists. There is nothing like control, you can make conscious choices and direction your days. You can choose how to spend the time you have but you can’t regulate how much and how long you would be here. I’ve been clinging to these thoughts for quite some time now. It’s in moments of such musings that I begin to question whether what we know is real? Or are we all equally lost? Believing in what seems the most logical explanation for our being. Most of us do everything possible to avoid the inevitable; the end. But no, that’s not how it works. We rot and we perish. We are mighty beings until we are not. We are alive for death. How contradictory does that sound now?

Life is a contradiction composed of smaller contradictions. We can’t just be one of the two faces of the coin. It has to be both. Complements are the way life works. Everything has to have a complement to it. The rain to the draught. The hero to the villain. Cakes to cookies. Lunch to the dinner. See my point?

One sometimes,

sometimes the other.

Weakness to strength

Smile to tears

You can’t take one. they come in pairs.

 

Just another day

Some days are just days… a meaningless ensemble of seconds.

24 hours, that I’m so damn aware of.

I do not wake up with a glimmer of hope in my eyes rather it’s exhaustion and stress. As soon as I wake up, I want to go back to bed. The mere thought of getting through the day drains me. I pull aside the curtains and the light hurts. The buzz of life around makes me mad.

I count each minute and each second with a hope that time will quicken its pace. I focus on my pulse, twitching in my arm and trace the boundary of my fingernail. I’m aware of how frequently I blink and also that there are 18 lights zigzagging down the hallway.  I adjust my hair every two seconds and feel the cold shiver of my hand each time. I feel like I am being watched, I feel like they know!

I drift back from the frame and everything starts speeding. Deafening echoes of laughter and indistinct chatter…form the backdrop. I hear my name echo. I know someone’s calling. I try to gather the shattered pieces of my focus and reach for the glass of water on the desk.

I tell myself – “It’s all fine, you’re doing fine.”

Just one day.

Just another day.

We are all desperate for something

At the restaurant this afternoon, a  little girl was sitting on the adjacent table. Carefully observing me as I play with my food, I caught her staring and smiled at her instantly and she returned the sweetest smile, hesitation free. She was adorable. Her mom watched her smile at me and her lips curved into a smile. Then I got back to eating and they got back to ordering their food and discussing school.

It is simple, life is simple. I thought about the little wordless encounter and it made me smile to myself. It was regular. Two people exchanging a genuine smile for no reason.

Why did I smile at her? Why did she smile back? What made her mother smile? It was nothing, we exchanged energy I would say. Positive energy.

People are strange. Capable of drastic things…we can start wars and hurt people badly. We can do horrible things..destroy nature, plant bombs…kill people and not give a damn about any of it. We are capable of destruction and all sorts of bad things and then we are capable of all things good. The funny thing is, destruction takes so much more effort yet we are ready to give all that in. Goodness comes from all things simple; things that require minimal effort. Yet we are willing to spread destruction, I say this because of the current state of the world. Switch on the news and there’s hurt and destruction all around. Sometimes, I don’t feel like hearing to any of it. It’s heartbreaking but I know turning a blind eye won’t alter reality.

Something as little as smiling at someone is perceived as an act of warmth and kindness. We have always heard of it- ‘smiling at strangers’. We’re communicating without words. We communicate kindness and love; radiate positive energy. See the thing is, I feel vibes are real; you do get different vibes from different people. There are people you would smile at without a hint of hesitation and then there are people otherwise. It is not about how they appear or how they dress, it is something more, something deeper than just appearances. If you can feel it, it’s all in the energy. I do not completely understand how the concept of energy and vibes works but I feel it is real. I’ve felt it and I’ll say that it is rarely wrong.

This is just ranter. I am not trying to make a point, we do what we do. The thing is it is in the most subtle and everyday kind of things that people touch us with kindness, it requires no effort.

This brings me to another thought; we have always heard that the things that are in our nature rarely require effort. They come to us naturally. I’ll hold on to this thought cause it is such a nice one.

Goodness is innate to human nature.

We were all truly kind and loving creatures, our circumstances make us bitter. They make us do things we would not approve of in our right minds. Sometimes we are strong, we do not let pain and misery grow on our kind hearts while other times, we become bitter. Our threshold varies depending on the impact of pain and we can’t judge one another for being who we are and the things we do unless we’ve seen it all for real. Hurt and pain transform us, it either brings one closer to oneself or it tears one apart. We do not react to pain in a similar way. We are countless beings on this earth and no two people are completely alike.

My thoughts are mixed this very moment; unable to focus on one point. Cause there is so much to wonder about. Some might feel I am desperate to find goodness and love and kindness. All things good and warm but the world is not like that. To that, I would say, better be desperate to find good than to find misery and pain. Isn’t it? I guess one day or the other, you find what you’ve been looking for.

So, yes! I am desperate. Desperate to find goodness in this world of misery.

I’ll keep ranting about what moves me. Today a smile moved me tomorrow it might be something/someone else. I am ready to deal with what I feel. Like you, I have my demons; the ugly side. Where I want to hurt people like they have hurt me and I have hurt people who treated me with kindness. I feel sorry for the times I’ve re-payed love with a cold heart and indifference. I am sorry for it but I’ve learned that I should not judge myself for being that person sometimes. Neither should you. We are people; human. We can’t always be right or in sync with the definition of good that others believe in.

Life will keep moving, things will keep happening and we will keep looking for love and kindness. It transforms us just like pain does. It makes us want to return that goodness to the world.

So yes, be desperate for the better. Who knows if you are desperate enough you might bump into what you are looking for. Like Paulo said in The Alchemist

“When you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it.”

Go ahead, ask for love and kindness, for yourself and for others.

 

NANOPOBLANO17

Sharing is caring! Check out some of these cool blogs, they are participating in Nano PoBlano17:
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Musings #1

What if life was not meant to be a competition?

It pains thinking that there were people who thought life is meant to be good, better…best! 

When it could simply have been happy for everyone.
Look what they’ve made of us and this world! 

Dear Someone (#2)

Dear Someone,

Hope you are doing fine.

I have been away from my usual routine for a while now. Life has been different. Not the good kind of different though.

I saw this little pup the other day…roadside near a vehicle repair shop. It was a everything-is-screaming type of day. Wind howling, trees swaying to an extent like they would all break and die. The sky dark and darker every minute. Clouds closing in as if they’ve eaten up the light. A dark grey sheet above the world. On a general note, I am in love with storms, they render a sense of peace. However, this one was different, everything was negative about it. Back to the pup, it was a tiny one. Probably just a few months old. I looked at him…my hair all wild and full of dust. It was trying to sneek behind a big tyre resting against the wall. It shreiked and sneeked behind it, probably pretty scared of me. Away from the wind and the world. It slowly adjusted and found solace behind the tyre. Unable to see the world. The storm. The gaint scary human. Trying to sleep and let the storm pass. 

Later, I couldn’t sleep that night. I would close my eyes and see that little pup tucked behind the tyre, eyes shut tight.

I want to do the same. 

Find my safe and just close my eyes.

We all want that sometimes, when the storms are so scary. 

Have you found your safe place? I hope you have.

Sending you love.

The Other Someone.

A Whirlpool

Licking the edge of the spoon she wiped clean the cream then got up and moved close to the mirror, staring at her reflection. She opened her mouth and began examining her tongue for all the colors from the rainbow cake she just hogged over. There was blue and red and a hint of pink somewhere…her lips formed a sweet curve and in an instant the shine in her eyes turned liquid.

It has been a considerable amount of time…and it does not appear to be helping. She has this feeling of emptiness, loss, confusion. Sort of unrest…her soul stirring like a whirlpool. CHAOS. 

Tiring chaos.

Not the kind that you like, neither the one that can be used to lift oneself up. 

A whirlpool sucks things inside… it just knows how to consume and who knows what’s lost when you are trapped in it. 

She called her mom and cried silently – just a little.

Trapped and consumed are the words to begin with. Craziness and pain a little ahead. 

simple life, no tragedies glorified.

Whirlpools, tsunamis, thunder storms.

None of it stands justified.

Anyone?

– Do we really need to justify pain?

*Incomplete Stories*

Song

Exhausted and worn  out,

all I can think of is sleep.

I rest my head against the frail glass window,

an occasional thud; when the bus screeches and brakes.

I stare at the lights outside and wonder how fast the world moves.

The chatter on the radio comes to a stop and a sweet melody strikes the air.

I lean on the window and start humming along…

Another light lingering tune effortlessly mixes in the air…mingling with my carcass humming and suddenly my tune doesn’t sound so offbeat.

His voice silvery coarse – my voice faintly melodic.

I don’t turn.

The lights outside don’t appear sad anymore.

You Think You Are Right?

There is a thing with human beings, we think whatever we think and know is true.

As a kid when I first read about atoms- protons, neutrons, electrons!…I was  awestruck that something so small and significant existed. I gaped at the thought that I see and touch it everyday yet I never feel its presence. It was like opening my eyes to something that was right in front of me all the time. I remember thinking about my school desk looking at it like an object of amazement and wondering how electrons are revolving around billions of nuclei. And it was so damn hard to believe, I almost told myself that it was a lie. A few days days passed and another thought occurred to me; before I knew of atoms, I thought there was nothing like it. I was unaware of its existence and it was okay..that is how I knew things were. Wood is just wood. I thought I was right.

We think we are right. Don’t we?

Then, it occurred to me what if there could be more to atoms and we think it’s just atoms because we don’t know more about it yet. And the thought was so eye opening that I have clung to it ever since.

Whenever I feel I know something, I look twice to check if I can see more to it. Even if I can’t, I like to keep this thought at the back of my mind that there might be something that I still can’t see..that I still don’t know.

Be it facts or emotions. There is always (okay..almost always) more to it than we know. We believe what we see and hear (I’m more of a see-person) and it is such a surprise that it rarely limits to those boundaries.

Boundaries, in any sense I have seen are meant to be surpassed. There is something beyond boundaries, I have no clue what that something amounts to; it might be a fraction or it might be millions and billions of things. Once it is surpassed..the ground where you land is the new boundary and then it goes on boundary after boundary after boundary.

We keep building and breaking boundaries.

Life appears to be a cycle of it. Like a limbo.

I don’t intend to write a scientific blog. I’m not much of a science girl. I think of all this is in such generic terms. I have had this habit of relating everything to my life and if and when I am unable to relate, I start to loose interest.

When it comes to people in my life, they never cease to amaze me..you think this is where the limit is. This is where she stops but then she takes two steps extra- SURPRISE! and this happens all the time. See, boundaries surpassed?!

This is a funny habit, relating unrelated things and even more funny is the fact that you usually end up establishing a relation. Things aren’t so hard to connect once you start at it. It just connects. Maybe it is all connected for real?

I don’t know if the above chatter makes any sense to you, does it?

Actually the matter is, the server is down..I am jobless and I’ve had around five cups of coffee already! Hope that adds some sense to my mindless musings.

Much love, I hope your coffee is as strong as mine(and not so strong, if you prefer it light ;)).