As a child, I read about fear a lot. I was not a small little girl..afraid of darkness. I was the girl who would wrap around a blanket, grip it tight and then run and flick that light switch on. I have always known that the only way to fight fear is to face it. The only way out is in…so my father taught me.
Here is the thing though- more so often in life, there are so many things our heart knows. So many things that you know are correct..the right way to traverse through the pits in life. However often when faced with a situation, knowing them does not seem enough. You know things..lines…motivational phrases..and you repeat them to yourself once..twice..and more. So much more that you lose track of it eventually. You cease to believe it, they become meaningless words.
The 2am thoughts that turn into 5am thoughts and the 2pm drowsiness that follows because you haven’t slept in ages. How do you cure that? Depression and anxiety hand in hand. You feel like running away but you know, you can’t run away from yourself. You feel like talking to people but the very second someone talks to you, you want to push them away. You feel drained and scared. It’s like nobody understands you ever, not completely anyway. You don’t care about motivation and change or being a fighter. All of it appears shallow and pointless. Someone explained it beautifully “Sometimes, all you can do is lie in bed, and hope to fall asleep before you fall apart“
You’ll get a lot of the ‘Think positive’, ‘Be a fighter’ and ‘Look at the bright side’ crap. It’s all crap. Sure, we need to come out of the rough phases but that doesn’t mean they are not real. They exist and they are very real. And when you are in the middle of the night staring at nothing in the darkness, numb; you don’t have the energy to force yourself to think about fighting and getting done with it. You just know you are there and that SOMETHING IS WRONG. Embrace it. Accept it. Cry if you want to. Leave everything and everyone for a while, if you think that’s what you need. Take it..feel like crap…cause if you don’t feel, you won’t fight. You need to know it’s real in order to gather the mental solidity to fight it. What I’ve come to realize is that it is important to feel. Ask me what’s beyond doom? It’s being numb my friend! I haven’t been there but I’ve seen it pretty close.
Depression is not something you can get over with…in a day. It might take you a week, a month or even a year. There are no parameters or rules. It’s different for each one of us.
In order to deal with something, you need to understand it first. In order to understand it, you have to accept it. Acceptance leads to change. Acceptance stirs you from within, you know you can’t accept this life because you realize that you almost have. Acceptance will stir a fierce whirlpool that’ll drive you towards change.
So feel, accept and do something about it. This life is all you have.