“We live in time- it holds and moulds us- but I’ve never felt I understood it very well. And I am not referring to the theories about how it bends and doubles back or may exist elsewhere in parallel versions. No, I mean ordinary, everyday time which clocks and watches assure us passes regularly; tick tock click clock. Is there anything more plausible than a second hand? And yet it takes only the smallest pleasure or pain to teach us times malleability. Some emotions speed it up; others slow it down; occasionally it seems to go missing- until the eventual point where it actually does go missing, never to return.”
Julian Barnes seems to have known or created the smart Alex. He is from the book ‘The Sense of an Ending’ . I have never in my life read such an accurate description of how time really feels. Recently, I have read two books and coincidentally, both of them have taught me so much about time. Or maybe just made me realize what it really is and how powerful a little second can be. It was a wonderful experience reading these beautiful books but I would be lying if I don’t tell you that I am scared of time now; the power it holds and the delusional beings that we are!
A second and things might turn around completely. A second and it could be the difference between life and death. A second and you could have a completely different life. It’s just strange and amazing that there is no control. No matter how much you want it, you will never have it. That’s how life is shaped.
I can’t stop telling myself “Girl, you are small, you are insignificant”
I am not underestimating myself, here I mean this in an entirely different context.We feel we are all powerful, controlling the course of our lives..mastering time and achieving the ultimate.It’s all about us…the happy, sad, horrid- all of it.
What I decide! – What I desire! – How I wish to go ahead with my life! – The people I decide to love and to hate!
To make and break!
ME! ME!! ME!!!
Now when I think back I see Time laughing at me all through it. Every minute of my life when I thought I had the control. I suddenly feel betrayed and utterly stupid but I am not pissed off, not one bit. It just feels funny, you know…like I was pushing this wall with full rigor and then there is this moment; I realize how stupid I am. It’s so damn stupid that it feels funny. I thought I had the controls not even once realizing that there was no control! Just frantic running all around and a perfect illusion of control. Suddenly I feel as if wisdom has hit me like a truck! And I can’t help but wonder if this is an illusion in itself.
If there is one thing that I can conclude from my frantic musings is that I’ll never know enough. I am going to have these illusions all the time and I can at least laugh at myself that moment and tell myself “Just an illusion dear!”
Maybe wisdom is knowing that you don’t know enough.
A friend used to tell me – “You never know” he used to say this all the time and I thought of it as something to live by. I guess I will add to it today and form a version of it for myself –
“You never know enough” I’ll say.
And then there is another such thought, again from a friend (yes my friends are smart and wise it seems :P) –
“A perfect illusion” she says.
As I sit here in this empty cafe writing about time as it softly, silently ticks by I can only smile and tell myself- Life indeed can be a beautifully sad string of perfect illusions.