Entirely disrupted routine. Do not know what I am doing. Have no idea what I am going to do. Sounds messed up? Well, yes! It is.
My day begins at 2 in the noon and I sleep around 6 in the morning. I spend way too much of my parents money and then feel so so guilty about it on a daily basis! I am almost every day, stacked up with so much stuff to do ranging from my project work to self studies to just sitting and introspecting about every decision that I make. I am indecisive like hell! And some days (which is very rare) when I do make a decision…well what to say! I usually don’t end up in the right spot.
Apart from this, my relationships are a maze of confusion where I never appear to find my way out! I have loved and lost. I made friends who were not actually ‘friends’. And some who were actually friends, I let them go. I have made terrible choices and yes, I have hurt the people I actually care about. There are a number of things I suck at and a million more that I constantly worry about. Job, happiness, love, peace, satisfaction! I am chasing it all! At times I look at myself in the mirror and cry because I feel there is no way I am going to achieve it.
Then once, like every other day, 6 in the morning when I am out on the roads with my equally weird friends, clicking random pictures on the road and then laughing and smiling and discussing about random stuff while grabbing a roadside breakfast, I realize that no matter how messed up things are, I am still smiling! There are friends and family; and love and smiles. No! I am not chasing anything! Not happiness neither love, not even satisfaction. I am experiencing it all! That is what life is about! I am not here to be perfect, rather I am here to experience and learn and make memories. I have known failure, grief and weakness but then I have also known success, happiness and strength. I have seen the bad as well as the good. Be it today or 10 years from today, be it just college or my life as a whole! One thing is sure, it is always going to be this way; happy and sad hand in hand!
It is entirely up to me how I choose to deal with it. It is okay to lament and cry and then come out stronger. It is okay to make mistakes. It is okay to forgive myself…for I know I am pure at heart and that I am as human as every other person!
Sure, my life looks like a mess. But it is a beautiful mess indeed!